So this is COVID…

On Friday morning as I flew through the sky, our President shut down travel between the US and both China and Europe. Mike’s first words to me in Houston were “how are you feeling?” to which I responded, “guilty.”

12 hours earlier I spent over 90 minutes on the phone with my Dad agonizing over the decision to travel or not. I had a feeling things were about to get worse. But they hadn’t yet. I had been encouraged by friends, co-workers, other nurses, and physicians whom I trust and whose opinions are pretty weighty in my book, to get on the plane and just go.

“Dana, get on the plane,” were Dad’s words to me.

“I need to sleep. I can’t decide tonight.”

And when I woke, my decision was made: I’m going to go.

So I went. A quick drive to Detroit, a plane ride to a city I’ve come to love these past few years, with people I’ve come to adore over the past decade. But everything changed in the air. So, “guilty,” was about all I could come up with upon my arrival. Of course, Mike and Carmen did nothing but encourage me in an attempt to ease my mind over the week I spent with them. We socially distanced. We got some good Vitamin D generation out in the sun as we walked the dog and the baby along the Bayou near their apartment. Low risk individual. Low risk activity. But Friday night I texted my boss that I felt guilty and nervous about the repercussions of my decision to travel. I was sick over the thought of getting stuck in Houston, of not being able to make it home, of letting my team, my work family down. I was worried, I AM worried, that someone will get sick because of me. My boss assured me we would figure it out. She encouraged me to enjoy my time. Dad said there was no wrong choice. The pit in my stomach disagreed.

Things escalated over the week. I learned quickly that I could not spend too much time with my eyes glued to Facebook and Instagram, hunting for news that only brought the facade of comfort. In all actuality it was haunting and frightening and terrible as way too many “what if’s” rolled around in my head. By Tuesday I had submitted a travel notification and “request to return” to my hospital’s HR and had received the response that I was, indeed, allowed to return.

Wednesday afternoon I boarded a less-than-half-full flight back to Detroit and made my way home. Today I woke up, dressed, forced myself to eat, spent a few moments praying and making contact with the Lord, and headed downtown. I parked in a new-for-me spot. I arrived way earlier than I usually do. I was screened by hospital personnel and given a yellow dot on my badge, proof that I passed the inspection, signifying approval to work for the day, and I made my way slowly to my unit. Have I mentioned I work in ICU?

I’m going to be honest. Today was a rollercoaster of emotions. At times I felt panicked and terrified. At other times I felt resilient and hopeful. There’s a lot of fine details that aren’t worth the time to explain but let’s just say we came out of the day with no more knowledge and clarity than before except for the notification that the water fountains and bottle-fill stations will be considered “Out of Order” until this whole thing is done.

I don’t know if there are any patients on my unit, let alone in my hospital, with COVID-19 diagnoses. Tests are hard to acquire and are taking DAYS to result from the lab in Lansing. No news is good news?

No visitors, although people are trying everything they can to come see their loved ones. We turn them away. It’s heart-breaking and hard.

Keep in mind, life has no choice but to go on for the poor patients who are not in the hospital for pandemic-related things at all. Some have had heart attacks, strokes, exacerbations of chronic issues, etc. And they’re now so incredibly vulnerable to the onslaught of “the virus.” We all are.

My coworker looked me in the eyes today and asked, “are you anxious?” to which I immediately responded, “yes,” as tears filled my eyes. “Why?” she asked. And honestly, that’s a question I’ve had to ask myself hour by hour for the past 7 days. Because the media hype is bugging me out. Because the numbers keep rising. Because we don’t have answers. Because I really don’t want to be exposed to this thing but I feel like it’s inevitably going to happen. Because I don’t want to expose anyone else to this thing but I feel like it’s inevitably going to happen. Because we might run out of basic personal protective equipment (PPE). Because I’m not used to feeling afraid in this space. Because I’m worried for my family. Because, because, because… and the list truly does go on and on.

“God has numbered your days, Dana.”

I nodded.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERY situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. [Phil. 4:6]

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you [1 Peter 5:7]

I have told you these things, so that in me your may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. [John 16:33]

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. [Psalm 23:4]

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior [Isaiah 43:1-3]

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. [Heb. 12:2]

It is this hope I must choose to stand on in the coming days. Even tonight as I reflect on the day, the Governor of California issues an order to “shelter in place.”

These are unprecedented times. I have no idea what these next weeks and months hold. I am at times frightened being on the front lines of helping to manage this pandemic and the lives it impacts. Hell, it’s already impacted mine.

I truly don’t believe any of us are ever going to be the same when this is all said and done. And perhaps that’s just part of it.

Tomorrow we will do it all again. Wake up, dress, eat, pray…work…worry…pray…

God-willing I’ll make it home. I’ll workout, shower, reflect, drink a hot mug of tea [let’s be honest…I’ll forget about it and end up drinking half a mug of lukewarm tea…] and fade into a hopefully restful sleep. And on. And on. And on.

We are nurses with the duty and obligation of showing up. And that’s what we will keep doing until this is done. So please stay home. Please stay safe. Please make sacrifices. Please pray for us. And please keep sharing life-giving pictures of your pets on social media.

I mean it more than ever tonight.

Be well.

Dana’s Ode to 2015

2015 was quite the year. It wasn’t really until today that I started thinking about all the things that happened this year. I was just sitting in my apartment, on my couch, watching ER, and suddenly I laughed with the realization: at this point last year I could have never guessed that I’d be where I am. Well, I could’ve guessed ER. That’s a no brainer.

So, since it’s been a hot second since I last updated anyone on my life- here’s the rundown on my year!

1. Dana Finishes Nursing School

   

   IWU’s Senior Swim tradition for nursing students

2015 started out with my final semester of nursing school at Indiana Wesleyan University. I lived with some of my dearest friends in a house right off campus that we dubbed “The Proverbs 31 Palace” or simply, “The Palace”. It was a blast. I had just returned from Zambia in November 2014 and spent a good part of the new year continuing to adjust to life in America. I took a really tough critical care nursing class and some really enjoyable last-minute gen eds including a class on the New Testament and an Intro to Theology course. In May, we graduated!

2. Dana Drives to Detroit to Take the Scariest Test of Her Life

After graduation, it was about 2 weeks before I was approved by the Indiana State Board of Nursing to sit for the national nursing licensure exam: NCLEX. The problem was, I was on a tight schedule, and incredibly impatient, and the only place I could sit for the exam in the time frame I needed, and wanted, was Detroit. Luckily, I have awesome family that lives right outside Detroit, a mere 20 minutes from the testing site. In about an hours time, on a Monday, I hectically made plans to travel, that day, to Detroit for some last minute studying, quality time with family, and a lot of deep breathing so that I could take my exam on Thursday morning. My cousins, aunt, and uncle were so gracious to me. Lisa and I went to Starbucks for a whole morning to study. Shannon took me shopping the day before my exam so that I could be distracted. Jane and Gregg prayed over me, fed me, and talked me through my last minute nerves. I was still a ball of energy that morning, but I felt very taken care of.

3. Dana Druetzler, BSN, RN

The Zoo was really fun…

Right after my exam I drove back to IWU and moved the rest of my stuff home to Indianapolis: my first move of 2015. I spent some good time with my roommates before packing up the car and making my way home. The day is a blur. It’s a good thing I moved that day because I think I would have driven myself crazy if I hadn’t had the distraction. I slept horribly that night, so overcome with nerves and jitters, waiting for the results of my exam. Now, I’m lucky. It used to be that you had to wait a few days or even weeks to get

The famous text from Nicole

your results! However, the next morning I woke up at about 7:05 and only about 25 minutes later had received a text from my roommate Nicole who had been stalking the State Board site for my results. I immediately checked myself and saw, to my great excitement and relief, that I had, in fact, passed my boards. I AM A REGISTERED NURSE! Nursing school was OFFICIALLY over. We celebrated with a trip to the Indy Zoo and were supposed to do a brewery tour and tasting at Sun King in downtown Indy. We got as far as the Zoo, but totaled my friends’ Mike and Carmen’s car before we made it to the brewery. Like a block from the brewery. So that plan was put on hold. Still. It was a great day.

4. Dana Goes to Camp

   

   The 2015 Program Office! (PO)

Two weeks later I was packed up again for my second move of 2015: Lawton, MI. I accepted the position of Assistant Program Director for my third and final summer at Miracle Camp and Retreat Center. I missed the 99^th running of the Indianapolis 500 and raced myself to Lawton (that was not a good pun…I am sorry…) to begin Program Office (PO) training. A short 10 days later the rest of summer staff arrived and we kicked off camp season on June 7^th. It was a whirlwind summer. One of the most challenging seasons of life I have lived to date. We had many complex issues to troubleshoot with campers and staff alike. We survived the plague: a period of 8 weeks where both staff and campers had to be quarantined with flu-like symptoms. We saw God do some pretty incredible things. And we were able to celebrate Miracle Camp’s 50^th birthday year by spray painting everything gold.

5. Dana Moves to Mattawan

Reece Axe, one my new roommates!

After camp was over I had to figure out the next steps. During the summer I received an offer for a roommate and an apartment in Kalamazoo, MI. However, that would not pan out for another few months and I knew I had to find a job and start getting settled. Ironically, a family I met through camp offered to let me live with them for as long as I needed. What a blessing! So, as I began the application and interview process at area hospitals, I made my third move of 2015: this time to Mattawan, MI. Mattawan is about 20 minutes from Miracle Camp and about 20 minutes also from downtown Kalamazoo. I had my own room in the top corner of Josh and Christy Axe’s house for the months of October and November. I was adopted in as a friend/big sister/camp counselor/nurse-in-waiting and it was a super fun 2 months. I got to attend some high school football games and get to know this awesome family a little bit more than I did before. So thankful for that time and for this new awesome Kalamazoo family that I have.

6. Dana Finds a Job

While living in Mattawan I got two job offers at an area hospital. I accepted a position at Bronson Methodist Hospital and started in mid-October. I was hired as a Critical Care Float Pool RN, meaning that I am trained to serve as a critical care RN in whatever capacity the hospital needs. This is dream job and a job I quite honestly should not have been offered given my lack of experience. However, they took a chance on me after my dear friend Emma, a Bronson employee, wrote an incredibly kind email to some higher ups, and I can’t imagine doing anything else. I am still in my orientation period and will be for another few months, but am LOVING it. Even on the hard days I am amazed at how perfectly this job fits me and my personality. I have enjoyed getting to know some of the other nurses that work at Bronson and am gearing up to begin working night shift in a few short weeks.

7. Dana, Emma, & Big Booty Judy

   

   Move-in day!

On November 20^th I made my FOURTH and final move of 2015. I moved into my apartment, near downtown Kalamazoo, with roommate Emma! You all may remember Emma from the chapter, “Dana Finds a Job”. Emma is a dear friend from past summers at Miracle Camp and things panned out so well for us to live together in KZoo! It has been the best month of the year living with Emma and adjusting to adult life here in Michigan! After buying a Roku streaming stick, we decided that our apartment TV needed its own profile on Netflix and we named said profile Big Booty Judy. It was dumb and makes absolutely no sense but we still get a kick out of it. That could really sum up life right now: dumb but we are getting a kick out of it. We continue to have a good time here in apartment 32, only squelched by the 5 year old that lives upstairs who we have dubbed “track star”. You figure that one out…

8. Dana, Black Beauty, and the Black Friday Find

Because I am on orientation, I didn’t have to work holidays this year! I was able to see family in Kendallville and Indy during Thanksgiving and spent a few days in Indy with my parents and sister. During that time, on Black Friday, I bought a new car! Rex the 2001 Chrysler Sebring went for a whopping 400 bones and was replaced by a 2010 Ford Escape that I have been lovingly referring to as Black Beauty. She will ride the Michigan winter much better than Rex ever did. Now to switch over my drivers license and plates and become a legitimate Michigander. I know where I’m at on the mitten.

9. Dana Traipses to Indy…Again

This past weekend I was able to go to Indy again for Christmas with my parents and sister. It was really nice to be home and celebrate by going to Christmas Eve service, cooking for extended family, and relaxing with friends. As this was my fourth or fifth trip to Indy in the past 3 months, I doubt I will go again before the spring.

10. Dana Welcomes 2016

And that gets us to now! Still in the apartment, on the couch, but the DVD player has not shut off due to the extended pause. Don’t worry, Dr. Ross and nurse Carol Hathaway will be back as soon as I am done writing here. Let me say again that I would have never thought I would be here to welcome 2016. This year was a year of “God things” from the somewhat random decision to go back to camp for a final summer instead of getting a nursing job right away, moving in with a family I didn’t know too well as I looked for a job in a random city where I only have a few small connections. He continued to surprise me and keep me on my toes as I landed a job that people can only widen their eyes to as I tell them what I am doing now and as He clearly made a way for me to be here, providing for me an awesome roommate, place to live, and church that I am just beginning to get to know. I can’t explain any of it except to say that He clearly wants me here and I am just following in the ways I know how.

There’s a lot of blogs posted and shared on Facebook DAILY about the journey and adventure of becoming an adult. I roll my eyes at 99.9% of them because they seem all too glamorous and dramatic. But I did find adulthood, reluctantly, this year. And I’m not sure any of those articles or blogs could have quite prepared me for exactly what happened.

Now I want to be clear and say that this miraculous year didn’t happen because I read my Bible diligently each and every day. I didn’t. Let’s be realistic. As much as I would love for that to be the story of this year, it’s not. However, what I can say is that this year I learned what it looks like to have grace for myself. I was a pretty inconsistent Bible reader this year, but I am ok with that. I looked and listened for God as He consistently reminded me how he is in and above all things and as He directed each step I took this year, whether I realized it or not.

My hopes and prayers for 2016 are as follows:

1. That I would become a good nurse who knows her stuff and capitalizes on opportunities to live the gospel of Jesus Christ to her patients

2. That I would find strong faith-based community here in Kalamazoo that will encourage me and keep me accountable to a gospel-driven life

3. That I would get involved and really get to know my city

4. That I would grow in depth in my relationship with Christ, continuing to learn lessons of grace, forgiveness, selflessness, and love

2015 was quite the year. And I know I’ll be able to say the same on December 31, 2016. He is good, friends. And gracious and loving and exciting! Cheers to you and your own celebrations as we excitedly bring in this new year.

And in 2016, as much as in 2015 and more….

Be well.

More Pictures from 2015

The coke says it all…

Grace came to celebrate graduation!

Our plant- Aziz!

P31 reunited!

For Halloween I was a martini and Emma was Adele

Squad.

Shannon, Nicole, Grace, and I on move-out day from the Palace

Throw what you know! P31

Reece and a beautiful Michigan fall sunset

happy dance.

My better half for the summer- APD lyfe.

My friend Lindsey got married Thanksgiving weekend!

our last night together

I promise we have college educations

Jenn, Mom, Dad, and I after graduation!

Camp fanny packs

 

5 Things I Tend to Believe About God

I live in this Generation Y.  Apparently we are entitled and narcissistic.  We care less about the environment than the Baby Boomers that came before us.  We care less about having a notable life philosophy.  We’re chaotic, addicted to technology, and highly skeptical.  We’re a bunch of dirty hipsters who just don’t care.

I’m taking New Testament this semester and we have been going over Romans in class this week.  I’ve really enjoyed it because I like the book of Romans.  At Miracle Camp, we’ve read through Romans during staff training both summers I have been on staff.  It’s cool to see the gospel presented in 16 chapters.  Paul spits some mad truth to the Romans.

But I’m a rebellious millennial, so….here are 5 things I tend to believe about God.

1. I have to do something in order to earn salvation.

Please, I can always earn more favor from someone by doing good things for them, by being an all-around kind person, and by putting them first.

2. God will love me more or He will love me less depending on what I do.

Again, this makes sense because logically, someone would love me or like me more when I’ve done good things and when I’ve been nice to people, prioritizing time with them than when I haven’t.

3. I regularly disappoint God.

There are lots of things I can do that will disappoint God.  Just look at my track record and try to tell me he’s not disappointed in some of the decisions I’ve made.

4. God the Father loves Jesus more than He loves me.

Of COURSE He loves Jesus more than me.  Jesus was perfect and never once sinned against the Father.  It only makes sense that God would love His Son more.

5. I may be a child of God, but Jesus gets the larger inheritance

Again, better child = larger inheritance. Logic, people.

At this point, I hope you are uncomfortable.  But I hope some of these statements have also resonated with you.  Because we are stuck in this skeptical and doubt-ridden generation.  We are so convinced that we have to perform in order to gain approval.  And we are so approval-driven that we have squandered the gifts of creativity, innovation, and individuality that God so lovingly administered to us.  We can’t stand to believe that God loves us in the way the Bible proclaims.

I believe my generation doubts the good news of Jesus Christ because it is one of the most outlandish things we’ve ever heard.  It’s absolutely scandalous and bizarre and so goes against everything we have ever been conditioned to believe.

We’re the generation that has been picked on at the playground for not being able to swing as high as the other kids.  We’re the ones that were ridiculed for the clothing choices we made as middle schoolers.  We were the ones constantly under the judgmental gaze of our classmates in high school, no matter how conservative or liberal our decisions were.  And now we’re the college students attempting to be firm in who we are, only to feel the most self-conscious we ever have felt in our lives because we constantly compare ourselves to people who appear as if they have it all together.  Which is hilarious because they absolutely don’t.  No one does.  But, we seek their approval anyway.  And why should God be any different?

But my heart was uncomfortably prodded this week as I read through Romans.  This is a book I have read straight-through on multiple occasions.  This is a book that sharply presents the gospel which I claim as my heritage.  The gospel which I have found I am not so convinced of all the time.  It’s a ludicrous idea for me to consider.  But it is absolute truth and life.

1. I have to do something nothing in order to earn salvation.

Romans 5:6-8- “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person– though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die– but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ dies for us.”

Paul is clear.  We were ungodly. We are ungodly.  And Christ died for us anyway.  While we were still sinners.  We don’t deserve it but we’ve been given this free gift anyway.

2. God will never love me more or less depending on what I do.

Romans 8:38-39-“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

There is nothing we could ever do to sway God’s affections for us.  If Romans 5:6-8 is true, and Christ died for us while we were sinners, how could we ever believe that anything we do or anything in the world is powerful enough to separate us from God’s affection?  His love is the most perfect love the world has ever known.  We rely heavily on our logic, but our logic is flawed and misplaced.  God does not exist within our world and with our sin.  He is perfect and overcomes the selfish and sinful ways that we humans love one another.  His love is more perfect than our love. And it is unconditional.

3. I regularly don’t disappoint God.

Romans 8:1-2- “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

This truth stabs a sword through the legalism that I have become so accustomed to.  But here’s the thing…because of Jesus, God looks at me and sees a perfect child.  There is no longer the condemnation of the law of sin and death, a law that I could not keep no matter how hard I tried.  There is a new law through Christ Jesus that allows me the opportunity to commune with Christ, to fall in love with Him, and to be transformed by the Spirit.  I am not a disappointment because the Father sees Jesus when He looks at me.

4. God the Father does not love Jesus more than He loves me.

Romans 8:14-16- “For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God”

An adoptive mother or father does not love their adopted child any less than he or she loves his/her own biological children.  In this same way, God does not love us, adopted children, more than He loves his begotten son, Jesus Christ.  Yes, Christ was perfect.  No, He did not ever sin.  Yes, he conquered sin and death once and for all.  BUT- He chose to do so because the Father wanted us.  He had this plan figured out since the beginning to bring us back to Him once and for all.  He ADORES us unconditionally and free from any for of hierarchy.

James 2:5- “Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him?”

5. I am a child of God and Jesus does not get the larger inheritance

Romans 8:17- “and if children, then heirs– heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.”

We are heirs with Christ Jesus.  We receive the same inheritance as the begotten Son.  THAT is how sought after and cherished we are.  Look at the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15.  We are that prodigal son.  Now, Jesus is not jealous as the other brother is, but hear what the Father tells this other son!

Luke 15:31-32- “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.  It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.”

It is fitting for God to celebrate those who were once dead, but have been made alive in Christ Jesus.  He throws massive celebrations for those who have come home, accepting His offer for adoption.

I am shaken by this radical love of the Father.  I am conflicted by it because I am not sure I understand it fully.  But I am floored at God’s love for me.  It is scandalous and ludicrous and shocking and altogether unbelievable.  But hear me when I say it is truth.

I am praying for a deep faith that allows me to truly believe these words.  Because even though my culture and my generation tells me I have to be apathetic and skeptical and a dirty hipster that just doesn’t care…I do care! And even when I fall into the trap of my culture, Christ tells me I am accepted…that I always was, even at my worst.  He tells me that it takes simply faith in His promise to experience His love to the full.  Regardless of whatever the world bombards me with.

What an incredible Father and Savior we have the privilege to call ours.  Hoping and praying that this season of Lent is a powerful growing time for you as we anxiously anticipate the resurrection of our one love, Jesus Christ.

Be well.